Interesting thing to write about, but my current situation has caused me to take a step back and take a hard look at myself. Maybe it's because I am living in Spokane for the moment, or maybe it was just time that I realized it, but I am realizing that the one thing I thought I had going for me is just self-deception. I am a mediocre writer at the very best, and I have serious doubts that mediocre is accurate.
It started when I remembered what I was like in high school. A while ago, I found some old poems I wrote. They were bad, embarrassingly bad. Then I thought of this chance encounter I had months ago with the teacher that caused me to believe that I had a talent, she basically asked me if I had finally put aside my ridiculous hope of writing a novel. The meeting always irked me. I mean, my wife said I was good, my friends said I was good, my mommy said I was good. Why would they lie...?
After going over all of these seemingly insignificant details of my life, proving exactly how self absorbed I am in the process, I had an epiphany. I didn't start valuing intelligence until college, more accurately, I didn't start valuing intelligence until after I stopped performing competitively athletically. It was as if I realized that I had nothing going for me, so I latched onto the one thing someone had told me I was good at. The tragedy is that I was never actually good at it. It was just a teacher trying to make a difference in a kid's life. It was a teacher trying to get a kid engaged in academics.
After being rejected by a few writing positions during my hunt for work, as well as having freelance articles rejected, I have finally begun to open my eyes. Of course people that love me are going to say they like what I write, I care about writing and they want to be supportive. It makes sense that a teacher is going to try and focus a student that doesn't have any interest in school. No doubt, someone with nothing left is going to attempt to find something of value within himself. These points do not make a good writer, though. They might imply a good support system, which is in itself valuable... for someone who stumbles all the time.
So anyway, to me, this post is valuable. It means I can explore other avenues. It means that the focus of my life's endeavors for the past nine years has amounted to the same as most of the rest of my focuses. Not a lot. It means that I am wandering further into the wilds, more lost than ever.
Knowing you're lost is better than imagining a destination that doesn't exist, though, right?
Thanks for reading.
